Sometimes I struggle with putting my guard down. I struggle with walking in faith, I struggle with believing, I struggle with disappointments. Don't we all?
Lately I've been feeling like all of my doubts and questions are being thrown into the wind. No answer. No "you're doing the right thing." No trumpets from heaven. Silence. But sometimes it's my own foolishness that blocks me from listening. Right now what was covering my ears was my desire for answers. I wanted quick answers, quick fixes, quick provision. I wanted immediate gratification, and God's not about that.
I realized this. So I kept seeking but changed my purpose behind it. I spent time with him, remembering how He's come through for me before. Just being with him. I love how when I finally decide to truly seek God, not for answers but simply for him, He isn't hard to find.
I went to Creative Mornings Atlanta today, which was amazing. There Adan Bean performed an incredible spoken word piece. Brett Trapp talked about taboos in our society and about his personal taboos. He has an amazing story by the way, and I know him from working with Boosterthon (see this link and this link AFTER you're done reading. Yes that's me LOL)
I wouldn't say the talk was geared specifically toward fearlessness, but that's where I felt God pulling me. It's like God was saying "stop looking for the answer, the topic of the talk, or the fix, just be. Listen intently. Stop thinking." And so I did. I stopped letting my own thoughts get in the way. And I was shown that I've been operating based on fear. I'm well aware that nothing good comes from fear, but this was fear hidden in stress, worry, and anxiety. All for things that are normal to be anxious about. But things that I hadn't taken to God. Heavy things I'd been trying to hold by myself.
I'm letting those things go now. I'm placing my trust in him no matter what. I'm spending time with him, not for answers but simply for his presence, which is greater than anything I've ever experienced. It's a slow process. But I am deciding to no longer be fearful. I think just making that decision was the answer I was looking for.