I don't cry a lot. I don't know, there's something about crying that scares me. I don't feel like it's necessary. I don't think I need it... Until I've tried to hold everything together for too long and end up breaking down in my car because I forgot to turn in the redbox from last Friday and it's been sitting in my backseat for a week.
I didn't realize how much weight I had been carrying until I sat down, tried to type up a blog post, and just had this flood of emotions. Instead of judging myself for having them, I decided to embrace them, experience them, and let go. It felt so good.
I think many times we're expected to hold it together, to always have our protective barriers on, to carry a mask around so that way when people ask us "how are you?" we respond with "great, thank you!" Because we've been taught that's the immediate reaction. When's the last time you actually asked yourself "how am I?" It's a question we tend to avoid because it's real. It makes us stop and actually look at our lives and that can be scary or maybe even depressing, because you're not where you thought you would be.
That is all ok. It's ok to be disappointed, unmotivated, or maybe just down. It is ok. What's not ok is staying in those feelings and not looking at them, acknowledging them, and then doing something about them. We can't change things if we don't know what's going on in the first place. But when we do know, when we are aware of how we actually are, we have the power to make decisions that will help change those feelings.
I think I cried for about an hour. Literally just cried- I wasn't completely sure about what. I knew I felt defeated, sad, and angry. I didn't even bother going further than that until I had let myself feel first. Afterward, I sat down with a cup of hot tea, a candle, and my notebook to write for a good hour and let everything out on paper. When I stepped back, I could see a bit more clearly what was upsetting me. I saw what I could change, what I couldn't change (and that's ok), and what I could learn from all of this. Let yourself feel. Don't be afraid of vulnerability. It doesn't make you weak. It gives you some clarity.